The manicurist, also known as the therapist, life coach, stylist and shoulder to cry on, is the polish that holds our precious cuticle world together. But have you even wondered what your manicurist really thinks of you? We present to you the secret diary of a manicurist, nail bitingly honest and utterly hilarious.

Dear lovely client,

You have been coming to me for many months now and I appreciate your patronage. There are just a few things that I find just a tinsey, wincey bit annoying. If you can avoid the below list – the manicurists top 10 hates – we are going to get along just fine.

Kind regards

Your Manicurist

1. “I only have 30 minutes…”

A 45 minute service. It says so in my flyer, on my signs and on the card I give to you when you make the appointment. So why, oh why do you tell me as you sit down “I only have 30 minutes”? 45 minutes does not squeeze into 30 no matter how hard I try. So which hand would you like done, the left or the right?

2. “I’m not a manicurist but…”

That is right, you are not a manicurist so if you could just resist the temptation to tell me how to do my job we are going to get on a lot better.

3. “On second thoughts…”

Could you not decide you don’t like the colour on the first coat of the first finger? Why oh why do you wait until we are on the last coat of the last nail to decide that, on second thoughts, you just don’t think that the colour is you.

4. “Tell me all the goss…”

We know that call is just so urgent that you have to take it but do you have to do it just after we have finished the last, perfect coat? I watch you, heart in mouth as you gossip talk about important things with your girlfriend, waiting to be called on to fix the inevitable smudge that eventuates.

5. “Don’t mind me…”

As much as I get a laugh out of listening in on your calls, a few words my way every now and then would be nice. Not to worry, not being talked to gives me more time to listen and store up the stories to add to the book I am planning to write – The Mani Diaries – True Tales from the Salon. The foreword will be written by your hairdressers.

6. “Sorry I’m late again…”

We know that you are busy, the parking is terrible, you couldn’t survive without getting a coffee first but please! The parking has been terrible here for 20 years and unless you can part the cars outside my salon ala MOSES at the Red Sea, then allow 15 minutes before the appointment for parking and coffee. And if you are going to be late, at least bring me a coffee also!!

7. “I removed them myself…”

Yes you may save yourselves $10 on the removal process but you have just cost yourself $20 in remedial nail treatments for all the damage you did to your nails in your DIY removal. Save your nails and as they say, don’t try this at home!

8. “That? It’s just my perfume…”

Just like you didn’t fool your Mum by spraying Impulse all over yourself after a ciggie, you are not fooling us. We can smell it all over your hands and it is not pretty. Pretend we are your Mum that you were trying to fool all those years ago as a teenager and wash your hands after your cigarette and before you visit us.

9. “Sorry my feet are a little dirty…”

What have you been doing with your feet before you came to me? Fungus is a rarity these days however the rise of thongs as the shoe for all occasion seems to been accompanied by a fall in feet washing. Don’t even talk to us about the barefoot brigade that comes in for a pedi….ugh!

10. “And maybe my nails too…”

Speaking of washing, what is that brown substance under your nails? Please let it be just dirt…..